The Way You Do
by Krys Yuy
Summary: Dedicated to D-chan. *smiles* A man broods over the fact that the one he loves will never return the feelings. He lives a charade, but is happy as long as he's by her side. His entire world comes crashing down when news of her departure reaches him. But i


.:The Way You Do:.

Author's Notes: D-chan had asked people to help her with some of her fanfics, and I had offered to do this one. After she read it, she said I should post it on my account because it was really good. So, I just want you all to know that I did this fanfic for D-chan.

**Warning: Slight angst. Suicide mentioned.**

**Dedication: To a fellow author and great friend, D-chan.**

**********************************  
The Way You Do - Trowa's POV  
Author: [Krys Yuy][1]  
**********************************

**_  
You've heard this a thousand times before  
I'm in love with you  
You'll hear it at least a million more  
Baby that's the truth  
It's the small things that endear me  
Every time that you are near me_  
**

I knew it. I just knew it. The moment she had walked through the circus tent those so many months ago, I knew my life would never be the same again. God, I can't believe how right I was. She's giggling now because a chimpanzee is crawling over her. Her eyes sparkle in the most enchanting way. She doesn't even know what she is doing to me, to my heart. As the chimp jumps off her shoulder, she laughs that laugh which spreads a warm feeling over me. She looks up at me, her blue eyes piercing into the very core of my being.

I wrap an arm around her shoulder and lean down to whisper in her ear. "I love you..."

Usagi smiles at me, one of those dazzlingly smiles. "I love you too, Trowa."

Those words have the opposite effect of what she intended. Instead of feeling pure joy, my heart was saddened. I also sensed something off about the way her eyes looked, but dismiss it immediately. I nod at her, somewhat gloomily, and close my eyes as she breaks from my embrace and goes off to see the other animals. You would think she has already memorized the entire circus, since she comes by nearly every day.

Damn. Why do I have to feel this way?! I just admitted my feelings, and she took it lightly and said the same words back as if it were no trouble at all. She thinks of me as an older brother, a best friend, and that's what breaks my heart. I could tell by the way she said it. Besides, if she meant it the other way, my face would be pressed against hers by now. Those three little words which I ache to hear, and she has already said a thousand times, is not the kind I yearn for. I say it nearly every day and the same sisterly look makes its way across her face. I'll say it again and again even if she doesn't see the meaning lying beneath it all.

Every little thing she does mesmerizes me. A gesture of the hand, a giggle from her lips, and a sparkle from her eye. I still don't understand it. Every time she's near, I feel like smiling and crying out in happiness. Which, of course, would result in everyone staring at me like I'm an insane man. Joy. Maybe I am crazy. To think all the things I do, to live the life I live, to love without knowing if you're loved back the way you want.

**_  
The way you laugh at what I say  
The way you look at each new day  
The way your tears fall right on cue  
That's what I love about you  
Nobody else knows me by heart  
Takes me where I can reach the stars  
Makes me believe in love  
The way you do_  
**

I open my eyes and make my way to the lion cage and watch as the sleek animal studies me as I do him. I'm not afraid and he knows I mean no danger. I put my hand through the bars and pet the lion gently as he approaches me cautiously. I hear him making soft noises, which results in me giving off a small smile. When I'm with animals, a sense of peace flows over me. I can think about anything and everything. As I continue to stroke the tawny fur, I contemplate the girl which changed my life so.

I love her so much it hurts. She's the shining light in the dark world that was my life. She lit the flame of hope which had long ago died in me. She renewed my will to live and find out everything there is to do. Why don't I just tell her how I really feel? Why do I continue this charade? Because she deserves better than me. She needs someone who doesn't have so much blood on his hands. I shut my eyes and will away the welling pain within my heart. I feel the presence of my 'sister' walk up behind me.

"Are you okay, Trowa?" she asked. I can imagine the concern flickering through her eyes.

"I'm fine, Catherine," I half-lied, continuing to stroke the powerful creature.

"So I guess you've heard," she said quietly.

Heard what? My eyes open in slight curiosity, but I don't turn around. She lays a hand on my right shoulder in a comforting gesture.

"I can't believe Usagi is going to leave," she commented. "After all this time."

WHAT?! I turn around swiftly, no longer rubbing my hand against the soft fur, surprising Catherine and making her jump back from me. I stare at her unbelieving, silently praying that she's just joking. "You're kidding," I said weakly. "Right?"

Catherine stares at me sadly, her eyes filling with pity... for me. I see the truth in them. She takes a step forward, but I shake my head and step back against the cage. "Trowa-" she started, but I interrupt.

"No!" I whispered fiercely, which makes her back away again as if she had been slapped. I wince visibly in guilt. I had never talked to her like that before. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, before turning to the right and running outside the tent.

"Trowa!" she called, but I continue to run until I reach the trailer we share. I fling open the door and immediately sit on the bed on my side. I put my face in my hands, feeling so lost.

**_  
You see me in the man that I can be  
And I'm thanking you  
You've given me all I ever need  
All I wanted too  
I know how blessed I am  
Girl, you are my best friend  
_ **

Why? A boiling feeling of anger wells up in me and my face becomes contorted with fury. Why the hell is she leaving? Why didn't she tell me? It's all her fault! All her fault! If she didn't enter my life, I wouldn't be here now, devastated. I would just be my regular silent self, watching as people come and go. I wouldn't be near to tears, which hasn't happened in almost forever. I wouldn't already be mourning the loss of a best friend who hasn't even gone yet. I wouldn't be in love with her. I wouldn't feel all this pain...

Immediately, all my anger is replaced with guilt. I never could stay mad at Usagi for long. It wasn't in my nature to. God, it just hurt so much. Why is she leaving? Is it... could it possibly be... because of me? Could she have found out about my real feelings?

My brooding is interrupted with a knock at the door. I don't bother answering it. Why should I? The only thing- person- I care about is leaving me.

"Trowa?" Catherine asked from outside the door. "Can I come in?"

I don't reply and I hear the door open, then shut. She walks up and kneels in front of me, laying a hand on my knee. I don't move, just waiting for her to talk as I always do. I'm a listener, not much of a conversationalist.

"Usagi is leaving today, Trowa," she informed me. "She's leaving _today_." 

Now, if finding out that Usagi was leaving shocked me, compared to this, it would be like saying Duo was the Perfect Soldier. I become rigid, my face still in my hands, not even bothering to look Catherine in the face. Things were just going downhill faster than I could comprehend.

Catherine continued talking and I could feel her eyes studying me. "She just told me, you know. About ten minutes ago. She's taking a flight to Earth. Then she had called a taxi cab and left to catch her shuttle," she stated. "You looked so down, I had thought she told you."

"Iie," I whispered. "She didn't tell me."

"Go after her."

It was such a simple order, but I didn't know why Catherine was telling me to. I remain stiff as I bring my face up to look my 'sister' in the eye. She must have seen the questioning look in my eyes because she was speaking again, explaining herself.

"Do you think I never noticed, Trowa?" she asked. "Do you think I'm blind? You love her. You love Usagi." 

I still stare at her with the mask I had used so many times. Inside, questions whirl through my mind. How did she know? I never told anyone, not even Quatre. Catherine and Quatre were the closest people to me, besides Usagi.

"Surprised, aren't you, brother?" she questioned. "I saw the change, but you never knew." She laughs a little, and I imagine it is because of the bewildered expression now on my face. "Your behavior, your attitude... it all changed when Usagi entered," she paused hesitantly, then continued. "Ever so slowly, you began to talk more than usual. I became accustomed to seeing your face smile much more and the familiar ring of your laugh wasn't as rare as before."

Had I really changed that much? As I think about it, I realize that yes, I had changed. Usagi gave me everything I needed to do that. She taught me to be free, to have fun. She was the ray of sunshine which lit up the dark world that haunted me. She drove it away, but now she is leaving me...

"Trowa, whether you know it or not, you need her," Catherine stated. She stares into my eyes with an intensity I had never known her to use. "And she needs you," she added in a whisper.

A wild hope rises in my chest as my eyes widen. What exactly was Catherine saying?

"As I said before... Go," she instructed as she stands up. She grabs me and pulls me up roughly to my feet.

I waver a bit, and I finally find my voice. "Wait... what did you mean by-"

Catherine doesn't answer my question as she brings her finger to my lips. "Shh... all in due time," she said. Then she smiles and winks. "Now, Trowa Barton, if you truly love Usagi, you will exit this trailer and go after her. Before you lose her."

I tear out of there as if the colony was in trouble. My feet feel like they are flying. I glance behind my shoulder for a second to see Catherine waving wildly. I turn back around, glad that she understood what I was feeling.

"Good luck, Trowa!" she yelled. "Good luck!" 

**_  
The way you laugh at what I say  
The way you look at each new day  
The way your tears fall right on cue  
That's what I love about you  
Nobody else knows me by heart  
Takes me where I can reach the stars  
Makes me believe in love  
The way you do_  
**

About half an hour later, I enter the terminals, while glancing around in a panic. The boarding times flash on the large screen hanging over the seats. I scan the places and times quickly. L1, no; L2, no; L4, no; L5, no... Ah-ha! Earth's boarding time is 3:30 p.m. It's 3:29! Shit! Okay, so it's language I don't normally use, but I'm in a hurry here! I dash down the hallways and past the crowds of people, almost knocking into an old woman.

I'm out of breath as I reach the gate to the shuttle going to Earth. I get there just in time to see the stewardess shutting the door. No! Not when I'm so close...

I rush toward her, panting. "Please... you have to let me on that plane," I practically begged.

"Do you have a ticket, sir?" she asked. At my stricken face, she realizes the answer. "I'm sorry, but you can't go on the shuttle. You don't have a ticket and besides, it is ready to take off."

I gap at her helplessly about to say something, when I hear the familiar roaring of an engine. I brush past the stewardess to look out the windows. I press my hand against the glass unbelieving as the shuttle separates from the colony and takes off. No... gods, no... Please tell me this is all a bad dream.

I shut my eyes in a desperate attempt to believe all this was just some cruel nightmare. Usagi wasn't really leaving me. She's standing right next to me and putting a hand on my shoulder, while giggling. She wraps an arm around my torso, while murmuring, "Did you really think I would leave you? You're so silly Trowa." Then she kisses me on the cheek.

That's when I open my eyes and turn my head to look at my side. Nothing. Nothing except air... That's what I suspected. I sigh, my heart aching, and I glance outside again to find the shuttle which had taken her away from me already out of sight. Then I see a reflection behind me that makes me freeze.

I whirl around to find no one there. But... that hairstyle was unquestionable! There was only one person in the entire void of space that wore her hair like that! As I glance at all sides, I see a flash of blond hair walking to the far left exit. I run after her and as I get closer, it is indeed the only one I know who wears her hair with two buns on either side of her head. I sprint faster, turning just in time to avoid some woman with ebony hair and tan skin, and I reach out and touch her on the shoulder.

"Usagi..." I panted, my heart racing.

Then she turns around, but my heart stops. It falls with a sickening thud. The woman in front of me was not the one I loved. "I'm sorry, sir," she apologized. "My name is not Usagi."

I stare at her, before shutting and opening my eyes again. She had her hair in the same exact style as Usagi. Now that I got a closer look at her, I realize that her hair is not the golden color of my itooshi's, but a darker shade of blond. However, she was still quite beautiful. "It's my fault," I said quietly. "I thought you were someone else."

"In a hurry to find her?" the woman questioned. Her green eyes study me up and down.

"Hai..." I answered.

She smiles at me and to my surprise, it's the same kind of smile Usagi has. I rub my eyes in a vain attempt to rid myself of the upcoming headache. I'm so paranoid in seeing Usagi again, that I'm mixing her up with this woman. "It's just... she wears her hair just like you do," I informed for some reason, feeling the need to explain myself. "Where did you learn to do your hair like that?"

"Oh... just from a very good friend," she answered.

I turn my head to stare into the vast emptiness of space with a heavy heart. Then I look back at the woman, trying to shake the feeling of familiarity off. "I have to go... Sorry for bothering you," I said.

"It's no problem, really," she replied. "Maybe I'll see you again soon."

"Maybe," I answered, then turned around to walk away.

"Good-bye..."

"Bye," I said shortly, walking towards the exit, not really paying attention. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her join the woman with black hair that I had almost knocked into, and they converse. She looks at me and waves. I'm surprised that she actually knew I was studying her. I'm usually inconspicuous and the only people who would know if I'm there is my fellow pilots and Usagi.

"Perhaps I'll see you in ten months... two years... or a year and nine months," she called, then turns around, supressing several giggles and seems to get scolded by the woman.

I leave the place, puzzled and grief-stricken. The strange woman I met was immediately pushed into the back of my mind. Usagi had slipped from my grasp. I had waited too long. The woman I love is gone and I don't even know where on Earth. Now she would never know how I felt. 

Life sucked.

**_  
The way you do  
You gotta listen, baby_  
**

I make my way through the circus wearily. There's something weighing down on me, which refuses to go away. Maybe it's better this way. Why did I go chase after her? Like I said before, she deserves better than me... but that doesn't stop the shattering feeling inching across my soul.

_"Trowa, whether you know it or not, you need her."_

Catherine was right. I need her... I need Usagi. It's too late for that though. I should have realized I had to tell her before she went up and left. There goes happiness walking out the door again. Maybe if I had told her, things might be different. At least she would have known and I wouldn't keep asking myself 'What ifs.'

I open the door to my trailer and plop down on the nearest chair, closing my eyes. Is life worth living anymore? Now that she's gone... It's obvious she hated me or disliked me for some reason. Our months of friendship was just an act. She would've told me she was leaving if she was a real friend. She wouldn't have run away without a word. And what of Quatre? Surely he would have known her plans to leave. Why didn't he, my other best friend, tell me? I guess the world is just against me.

I don't have a reason to live anymore.

I open my eyes and reach inside the drawer of the desk in front of me. My fingers lightly trace the object and then grip it in my hand. The familiar cool metal in my grasp brings back memories I'd rather forget. As I press the barrel against my temple, I say a prayer to the heavens. Please... just at least let her know how I feel...

My index finger is ready to pull the trigger when a voice stops me.

"Don't."

One word, plain and clear, but makes me freeze. Hope and dread fill me as I turn so very slowly toward the direction of the voice. My face locks with the most beautiful pair of eyes in the world to me. The sapphire, usually filled with joy, have tears. She's curled on the bed, her hair tangled and messed. She continues to stare into my eyes and my hand drops to the side, but I don't let go of the gun.

"I thought you were going to Earth," I whispered.

Usagi ignores my statement and instead asks a question. "Why, Trowa?" A few tears trail down her cheeks. "Why were you about to- about to-" She cuts off, unable to say anything, as she chokes down a sob.

My heart wrenches in pain to see her like this. But how did she get here? _Why_ was she here? "Usagi," I began, "what are you doing here?"

She suddenly flushes, which makes me look at her in slight surprise. How is it that she is always able to look more gorgeous every minute? "I came in here to wait for you," she answered. "And I fell asleep waiting. I woke up when I heard you open the drawer." Her eyes fill with sorrow and questions. "Trowa, please don't do it. I need you."

"That's why you were going to leave, isn't it?" I spat out.

Usagi flinches and I immediately regret my words. My anger got the better of me. Before I can apologize, she lifts a hand as if to stop it. "Don't apologize, Trowa," she said. "You don't have to. I'll tell you why I didn't tell you I was going to leave, and why I didn't."

I sit back in my chair as she crosses her legs and looks around uncomfortably. Her golden tresses swirl with her tiny movements and it mesmerizes me. Then I remember I'm supposed to be angry with her, but I don't have the heart to be. I just study her in my old way, while she fidgets ever so often.

"I needed to leave because I fell in love," she stated simply, twirling her hair around her finger. It's like she stabbed me right in the heart with a knife with that one statement. "I knew he could never return my feelings, and that hurt me the most. He looked to me as a sister, so I pretended to be all right with that. I acted like a sister, and took the role as his best friend, because I knew that was all I would ever get." Wait a minute... "My pain built up every day, until I couldn't take it anymore. I said the phrase which I always told him, and he returned. What he didn't know was that I meant it more than in a family way. I didn't tell him I was leaving, afraid he would stop me, and I headed to the shuttle flights. Half-way there I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave him. It would be like losing a part of myself. So, I decided to tell him the truth. That I love him more than a brother. I love him more than life." My mouth suddenly goes dry.

Usagi stares me straight in the eyes. What made my heart thump wildly was the fact that her face didn't hold the sisterly expression she usually wore. Her eyes reflected pure love. Not the love for a brother, but the love for a beloved. She stands up from the bed and stands straight across from me. She bends down and places both her hands on the arms of my chair. Her face is mere inches from mine, and she never broke our eye contact. Her breathing tickles my skin.

"Ai shiteru, Trowa Barton," she murmured, before claiming my lips as her own.

**_  
The way you laugh at what I say  
The way you look at each new day  
The way your tears fall right on cue  
That's what I love about you  
Nobody else knows me by heart  
Takes me where I can reach the stars  
Makes me believe in love  
The way you do_  
**

Warmth.

That's the first word that entered my mind. Her lips reminded me of a warmth which only came through this kind of contact. I didn't respond at first, but after a second or two, I did. It was unbelievable. The sensations... the tingles... Could one really feel this... this... happy? This connected? My mind was on complete overload as the words she said lifted the weight off my shoulders.

**_SHE LOVES ME!!_**

I pull away and stare her into the fathomless depths of her eyes. My voice isn't working and I just stare at her. I keep staring, while she returns the gesture. Her orbs hold love, but I see the fear lying underneath that. The fear of rejection. The same look I used to have. Could she really still believe that I don't return her feelings? After that mind-blowing kiss? My love was unquestionable now.

"Say something!" she burst out. "Anything!"

I let myself go as she said that. The way her eyes sparkled with impatience and the frustration that I wouldn't answer her. I couldn't help it. I just cracked a smile... and laughed.

"I just admitted my feelings to you... and you laugh?!" she demanded, some tears in her eyes.

"What's the correct response when the woman I love admits she's fallen in love with me?" I asked. "How about..." I leaned my face closer to hers again as she sucked in a breath. "Ai shiteru." Then we met for another earth-shattering kiss, which made my heart swell with joy.

When we finally stopped- which seemed like forever- she sat on my lap and I encircled my arms around her waist. "Before anything else, Trowa, why were you going to commit suicide?" she asked quietly. 

I stroked her hair tenderly. "I thought you were leaving me," I admitted. "I thought you were leaving because you hated me."

She rested her head against my shoulder while playing with the fabric of my turtleneck. "I could never hate you Trowa. I love you too much," she stated.

**_  
The way you do  
The way you do_  
**

"Usagi... I love you beyond words. The way you do," I confessed.

"The way I do?" she echoed. "What does that mean?"

"It means," I began, gently pushing her up to stare into her eyes, "that I love you for who you are and what you do. The way you do everything. Everything you do and everything you say I cherish."

Her eyes fill with tears... tears of happiness. "Tro-kun... Ai shiteru."

It filled me with a certain light and made me feel as if I was walking on air. "Ai shiteru, Usa-chan. Ai shiteru."

As we kiss for a third time, I get used to the feeling of me being complete. I can't believe I was about to end my life and not experience any of it. I laugh softly to myself on the inside, while running my fingers through her hair.

Who knew I would fall for Quatre's sister?

  


   [1]: mailto:HiirosGirl12@aol.com



End file.
